A Look Inside
Addiction is a form of love. A face of fantasy and a place to hide. It is bliss, it is hate, it is frustration, it is no-concentration, and it is a detachment. It is a detachment from this life and the world that I am standing on.
Many times I have concluded that no longer will I be covered by a wave of ultimate ecstasy, so I can fully see the colours of my sober world and enjoy them, embrace them and fully incorporate them into my life. Many creative projects and ideas were thrown away to waste as a direct result from the effects of my love and crumbling marriage with my wife of fantasy. I would embark on a project and it would stop with the interjection of the “parasite.” It’s hard to control. It’s as if some dark energy enters your body and moves your limbs and thoughts to the way it wants to move and think, and it fully engulfs you with its presence, that as soon as you catch yourself in the moment of life you stop and look at yourself thinking “this is not me.”
It’s not me, it won’t be me, it is only a facet, a fraction, an angle of a twisted fantasy that is served in my mind by the demon of this horrible fascination. A fascination of the human body, has turned into a morbid outlook on life which puts doubts in my head, puts thoughts of negativity and diminishing esteem into my life and my work. This demon has moved throughout the course of my brain and my veins that it has been hard to chase it and stop it, so much so that has been apart of me, a fraction of me, for the past 11 years of my life.
Writing your thoughts out has a very interesting effect. Like right now, I am watching a movie with a girl getting plowed and dominated by the man of the movie, and the fantasy comes into play. Part of my mind blackens and concentrates on the fantasy. How good it would be for me to take a nice maiden of great fortune to be pleased by my loving and sensitive goodness. How it would be nice to feel the bodies touch, to rub, to fold over each other’s essence and feel the soul communicating the language of love and bliss through the words of touch and pressure. Yes, that side of me has now been relieved as the scene has changed. That now-darkened part of my mind is a side of powerful provocations, one that I do not want to temper with. It is a side that I am scared of, that if I do mingle with the fantasy, I might be lost in a world of blind love and temporary malfunction of my current human state. Why malfunction? Because when I am playing with this addiction, I get lost. I continue to perform the acts of sin, and even if my mind knows what I am doing, once again the demon has achieved total domination of my limbs and half of my mind. When I have a goal that I would like to have achieved, my demon always prowls near it. And this is what saddens me. That this addiction has moved into a loss of concentration and will. That I would have some sort of idea, project, goal planned ahead of me, and all of that will be delayed by a great amount of time due to my addiction.
It has now been 3 days since I have stopped. 3 grueling, irritating and tough days that are making me cut off these invisible frozen chains that I am currently attached to. This is a public contract for myself, in witness of anyone who has read this whole overview. I realize my potential. And I know what I can do with it. I have been caught in this net of disgusting fantasy for way too long that I need to break free and take control of my life. I need to extinguish this addiction and be the person I know I am. Now, the addiction that has been controlling my life for the past 11 years is peculiar, but it is one that I am unfortunate enough to be blessed with.